


Ache With Me

by writingtoreachyou



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Dark Thoughts, Fix-It, M/M, Sadness, fight, this isn't really Marvey relationship (yet) but very canon to the last EP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 05:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9478457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingtoreachyou/pseuds/writingtoreachyou
Summary: Mike wanders the streets of New York and wonders how it could come to the fight with Harvey and how to make things right. It's a songficlet based on the song "Ache With Me" by AgainstMe! and I had the idea before 6x11 but it fitted so perfectly into the context.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I usually don’t write first person fics anymore but this song was calling to me in such a strong way that I’ve decided to try something different by working every single line into the story, I hope I can pull it off. It’s just a ficlet but even before watching this week’s episode, I had this image in my head and the show just intensified the wish to write it. This is not beta’d for a change because I imagined it to be difficult when you’re not that familiar with the song. So here we go…
> 
> Contains spoilers to 6x11

I've walked down high streets looking through windows. Not fitting in, not being a part of society. It’s been such a short amount of time in that dark place but still it has changed me irrevocably. And here I am, trying to find my place in the game you call life. Some people think I’m ungrateful, others don’t get why I’m not simply taking the easy way out. But that’s the point, isn’t it? I’ve always taken the easy way out. Father Walker has tried to teach me so many times in the past that I can’t play the orphan card forever. (No, he’d never use that term but that’s the translation I’ve come up with in my many hours of thinking and figuring out what I wanna do with my life).

All day long I’ve strolled around aimlessly. Like I did yesterday. And the day before that. Or the one before that one. I've been lost in crowds of strangers. Just a nameless face, trying to blend in. Trying to forget about all the things that have happened since I got out. The legal clinics that wouldn’t employ a convicted felon. The days in school. The fights. I hate fighting, I don’t want to argue and I sure as hell don’t want to push the only family I have left away. Rachel doesn’t let me shake her off – and you sure as hell also wouldn’t have any of it, you keep doing your thing while I pretend like I’m cold and not caring that you’re down, shattered to five million pieces and the person who could pick you up just turns his back on you. God. I hate myself for it. But I need a moment to breathe. Find myself again. 

And that’s what I’ve been doing for weeks now. Searched record shops and cosmetic aisles, phone books, want ads, bus stops and libraries. Newspaper headlines, mannequin faces, television stations, billboard advertisements. Trying to find something to hold onto. Because everything is spinning out of control and I pretend that I’m strong enough to handle it on my own to not pull everyone down with me. You have your ideas of what I should do with my life. And if I’m honest: You just want me to live my dreams. You know how much practicing law has always meant to me. And you also know that it’s what has always drawn us to each other, attracted us. The joining of minds, the challenging thoughts, the fighting for the mutual cause. I’m just not sure I’m ready yet.  
That’s why I keep lashing out. While all I wanna do is pull you into a hug and…

I stop at a street corner and hold onto the cold stone wall. This is too much. Way too much to bear. I don’t know how to do it, Rachel could never understand what I’m going through. When I told her that I was teaching, I could tell she was disappointed, even though she tried to smile it through. She wants me to be a lawyer, the way you do. Don’t you get it? That I’m not? That I’ve never been? It sometimes seems as if I’m the only person understanding the consequences of all of this – you all still live in your dream world and it isolates me. I’m in a bubble and I try to reach out but instead, I turn into this hurtful, accusing character that I don’t want to be and I see what it does to you. 

Your voice echoes in the back of my mind. I see your face when I close my eyes. The way you ask me. Beg me. It’s a look I’ve seen way too many times over the past few weeks and months and it’s crushing me. I don’t want to be the one doing this to you, why can’t you see that? I can’t return to you right now. I just. Can’t. Because I’m terrified I’ll get pulled straight back into this madness. I meant what I said. One month turns into two and before we know it, ten years will have passed and I’d still be in a state of transition. I miss you. I do. I just think we need to find a way to see each other without working as a team. At least for now. I think I need it. 

I continue walking without knowing where exactly I’m headed. Central Park. I need some air, feels like I’m suffocating. Everything is collapsing on top of me. Do you share the same sense of defeat? Those eyes… Do you have any idea how you looked at me that day I rejected you for the first time? I know it sounds like such a cliché but your eyes were as dark as the night, they swallowed me, burnt me and kept me prisoned and I panicked. Even though I appeared to be cool, I wasn’t. Far from it. I wanted to tell you that I’d make it all go away. But that’s not how it works, is it? You want me to figure out what I want to do and while I’m trying to figure out who I can be in this life, I need to stay away from you. Because you’re my poison. A tiny voice inside tells me you’re also my salvation but let’s not go there. Not yet. When I saw you that day, I couldn’t help but wonder. Have you realized all the things you'll never be? You were so forlorn and in need of guidance and I honestly didn’t think you’d ever deliberately show me that side of you. We had our established roles and to see your guards down like that – I was crushed. I couldn’t handle it. 

And then things went from bad to worse. I didn’t mean to say those things I said when I came to see you at the office. The whole world came crashing down on me that day. I can’t exactly pinpoint when reality finally hit me but it did that day. All those past weeks. All the nights I had been scared to be killed or hurt. All the self-doubts and anxieties. And then you watch yourself scream at the man you care about more than any other person in this world and can’t stop yourself. Ideals turn to resentment, open minds close up with cynicism.

To say that I shouldn’t hold you responsible for all the bad things that have happened to me would be the understatement of the century. I've got no judgement for you. Even though my quick mouth told you something different. Something inside told me that you could and would take it. Would take every single blow. Because that’s how you are. You’ve always protected me, put yourself on the line for me and I couldn’t accept it. Or thank you for it. Because… It’s not how I’ve always been. I’m trying to become a better person. I guess it was my way of expressing that I am fucking hurting right now and I don’t know how to stop it. My way of saying “Come on and ache with me”. So I threw punches. And watched them land.

I’ve gotten to know you so well over the past five, six years. Through bar rooms, cafés, jail cells and court rooms. Theaters, restaurants, graveyards and churches. Personally, I don’t think anyone knows me the way you do. And I’ve always prided myself to know that it’s a mutual feeling. You’ve given me your all. Always. But if feeling and trust is a currency, I've spent every dollar that I've ever earned. 

For days and weeks I’ve walked around. Aimlessly? Who am I kidding? Because every day and every week I magically end up right here. In front of your door. Just to turn around because I’m too much of a coward to finally tell you what I’ve needed to say for such a long time. I’m not sure you still want to see me.  
No.  
Not true.  
You’d never not want to see me. And that is more than I deserve. 

You deserve better. So much better. You are my family. I need you. I look up. Do you know how often I’ve been standing here? And every single time I tell myself that this would be the day I enter. Apologize. Make it up to you. I'll bleed my heart out, I'll give every word. 

I’ve wandered the streets, trying to figure out what to do with my life. I've asked preachers, doctors and lawyers, socialites, pariahs, mothers and fathers. Attempted to find answers to impossible questions. Been restless and unforgiving – towards myself but even more so towards you. But isn’t it so that you may not find all that you're after? That maybe it’s time to accept that one door closes but so many more open? I may not be a lawyer anymore – in fact I’ve never been. But you still want me in your life. If I take your job or if I don’t, in the end I hope it doesn't matter.

All that matters is that you can forgive me. That we can work this out. Because I need you. And tonight I want to finally tell you instead of yelling and attacking you. I’m scared. I don’t know what the future will bring. But as long as you’re in it, I will be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to the song [here](https://youtu.be/SIj4d5evZT0).


End file.
